Confession of a 56-yr-old gay man: I haven’t had sex for 10 years.

I am a 56-year-old gay man. I have not been in a relationship for 17 years. My last relationship had a very negative impact on me and I have not had sex for about 10 years. I find myself desiring that contact and companionship now, but an overwhelming sense of apprehension stops me from attempting it. How can I change my thinking?

It may be that you sustained traumatic injury after your “negative impact” relationship, and that would require proper, guided healing. It is a natural reaction to be self-protective after psychological pain, but your recent desire to connect with someone indicates that you are ready for another try. However, your extreme lack of confidence suggests it would be best if you first sought help from a qualified therapist who might help you to heal.

It is important that you understand exactly what went wrong in your last relationship and prepare yourself for a different approach to – and different behaviours with – a potential new partner. You may be able to at least start this work yourself by writing, drawing or otherwise expressing your exact feelings about what happened, and trying to analyse the reasons why each of you behaved the way you did. So far you have simply withdrawn, but persevere; you deserve to feel safe in a sexual relationship.
Clued from theguardian